AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you, Jesus!
JESUS: I love you back. (Applause)
JESUS: Thank you so much, all of you. It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady GaGa. (Applause) And to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America. (Applause)
For too long we have put our needs ahead of the needs of others. For too long we have turned to government for the solution, instead of lifting our own hands to help. But today begins a new chapter in America. Today we step forward not as leaders of the free world, but as servants.
Politically and morally, the United States is at a crossroads. We face a choice: We continue the tired policies of the past that have left fighting wars abroad and skirmishes in our own backyard, or we can acknowledge that destroying those who disagree with us, either with words or bullets or bombs, does not bring peace, but only fosters hatred.
This year we will spend over twenty percent of our budget, $718 billion, on defending America. That’s roughly the same amount we spend on Social Security and we have neither security nor the social security. Instead we have gangs in our cities and armed militias in rural America. We have terrorists on planes and deadly germs in our mailboxes. That is why, today, I am announcing a war on war.
If elected, I will launch a new initiative for fighting terrorism. I will put in place a new program for defending this great nation of ours. Within the first 100 days of my presidency, I will initiate Love Your Enemies and with it, I will begin to dismantle America’s military and seek to make peace with our enemies.
(Hushed silence)
From this day forward, we as a nation will no longer seek to eradicate those religious zealots bent on destroying our nation or target the paramilitary groups within. Instead, we will welcome our enemies, both domestic and abroad, with open arms and say to them, “I love you.”
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Traitor!
JESUS: Wait, wait. Let me finish.
If elected President, I will order the Pentagon to begin airlifting food and supplies to Iraq, Iran, North Korea, and every other nation that seeks to destroy us. We will heap burning coals of love on the heads of our enemies.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Back to Berkley you commie liberal.
Jesus: In matters of ideological disagreement, we will respectfully acknowledge our differences and promise to continue to feed, shelter, and clothe our adversaries. Through our love, we will lead with service and sacrifice and live out my Father’s will by restoring relationships ripped apart through hatred.
(Loud chorus of boos)
As your President, I will reach across borders and remind the citizens of every nation that though ours may be a planet of diverse cultural and ethnic ties, we are all made in the image of my Father and worthy of love. With your help we will bring peace to our nation. Thank you very much and may my Father bless America.
(Backstage)
JESUS: How do you think it went?
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: Told you to tone down the rhetoric; that Americans aren’t ready for your message.
JESUS: Where to next?
Campaign Manager: Arizona. You’re slated to announce a major initiative on immigration reform, but I have to tell you, boss, if you don’t dial it back you’re liable to get shot.
JESUS: You just keep the bus rolling, Peter. I’ll focus on the message.
Love your enemies… Luke 6:27 ( ESV)
Love your enemies… Luke 6:27 ( ESV)
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Join us next week on the campaign trail when Jesus addresses bigotry, racism, and doing good to those who hate you.
